


These Days

by jane_x80



Category: NCIS
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Anthony DiNozzo Leaves NCIS Team, Competent Anthony DiNozzo, Episode: s05e01 Bury Your Dead, F/M, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-16
Updated: 2021-01-16
Packaged: 2021-03-12 18:22:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 12,491
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28764753
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jane_x80/pseuds/jane_x80
Summary: In the aftermath of the fallout of the La Grenouille op which Tony learned was an unsanctioned op, he is numb with the betrayal of his Director, and grieving the loss of a woman that he had loved. He is unable to continue working for the Director whose thirst for revenge had loosed all of this. Tony decides that he needs to leave.
Relationships: Anthony DiNozzo & Original Male Character(s), Anthony DiNozzo/Original Male Character(s), Past Jeanne Benoit/Anthony DiNozzo
Comments: 59
Kudos: 341
Collections: Every Fandom Reverse Bang 2020





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Art for These Days by jane_x80](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/744051) by SpencnerTibbsLuvr. 



> The story takes place after s05e01 Bury Your Dead, and I've marked it as canon divergent because well, it diverges from canon at that point.
> 
> This is the first of my two [Every Fandom Reverse Bang](https://everyfandombangs.wordpress.com/reverse-bang/) stories for this year! This story is inspired by the gorgeous artwork made by [SpencnerTibbsLuvr](https://archiveofourown.org/users/KliqzAngel/pseuds/SpencnerTibbsLuvr). I hope you enjoy it!
> 
> The song I listened to was [These Days](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6kk7vCHvof4), one of my favorite Jackson Browne songs and the performance I've linked to is one I love, with just Jackson Browne, a guitar and a mike. The title of the story (obviously, and uncreatively) comes from the title of the song. 😆

**Prologue**

[](https://i.imgur.com/gIRKfBy.jpg)

[](https://i.imgur.com/Ztjl58L.jpg)

For two weeks after Tony’s car and his life blew up, after Jeanne left him for good, Tony stayed silent. He declined any time off to recover from the ordeal and just went back to work as if nothing had happened. He ignored the whispers around the Navy Yard, pretended not to hear the talk that went on behind his back, hell, in front of him, too. He turned a blind eye to the looks of pity and sympathy that some gave him, ignored the cruel barbs others threw at him to his face, refused to acknowledge that he was anything but fine, even though he was taking the bus to work because his car had been blown to smithereens, and it was dumb luck that he had been spared.

He refused to think about the fact that part of him wished that he had been in the car when it exploded. Not that he was in any way suicidal. It just sometimes felt like the easier option. Then at least he would be spared whatever the hell this was that he was experiencing. He was just existing. Going through the motions. Going to work, doing the work, allowing what seemed to be a rotation of Gibbs, Ducky, Palmer and Abby to take him to dinner before sending him back to his lonely apartment. His real one, that is. The one that Jeanne had never even known about, never mind been to, so technically nothing there should remind him of her. But it felt cavernous in its emptiness. What was supposed to be his haven now just felt empty, just as empty as he was.

He hadn’t gone back to Tony DiNardo’s place. Hadn’t wanted to retrieve anything from it. Didn’t want to be confronted with his failures. Didn’t need any reminders of how happy he had actually been for that short time, despite the fact that he had known that it couldn’t possibly last.

And for those two weeks, it was easy to just coast through life, ignoring the hell out of everything but the work. It was as if he was just going through life as a sleepwalker and nothing could touch him. Nothing could hurt him. Even if the words that Jeanne had wrote in the Dear John letter she had left for him at her apartment continued to reverberate and echo through his brain, he felt insulated from it somehow.

Until the day that Director Shepard – Jenny, as she had asked him to call her multiple times now – tried to talk to him in private. Just to ‘check in’ with him.

And then everything came screaming back into focus and all Tony felt was hurt. Hurt that this woman, this woman that he had trusted because she had been one of Gibbs’ and surely someone who had been Gibbs’ protégé, much like Tony had been a few years ago, surely they could be trusted not to intentionally fuck things up. But no. Fucking chick had roped him into an unsanctioned op in some perverse attempt at a vendetta against an arms dealer that she blamed for her father’s death. Which, by the way, had been ruled a _suicide_. And as far as Tony could tell, no matter what Director Shepard claimed, Rene Benoit had not murdered Jasper Shepard. Hell, from the chatter Tony overheard, Jasper Shepard had taken his own life, unable to live with the fact that he had taken a bribe.

Sure, Tony was sympathetic. No child wanted to face the fact that their parent was not just imperfect but fallible, but that was no reason to fucking ruin _Tony’s_ life. He had met the woman of his dreams while pretending to be someone else, all the while he was tasked to get close to her to see if she was in any way involved in her father’s arms dealing pursuits, and if she was innocent, then she was a way in for Tony. He could use their relationship to get closer to her father.

Tony should have known better than to trust anyone at all. But his time here in DC, surrounded by people who had proven themselves to be trustworthy time and again, who hadn’t disappointed him over and over again like his own father had, or Danny, his old partner had, it had lulled him into thinking that those in Gibbs’ circle could be trusted. And it had been to his detriment.

All of a sudden, after two weeks of being numb, Director Shepard had been the one to make it all come crashing down. All Tony could think of was that he had met the woman he could envision spending the rest of his life with under false pretenses. He had used her. She had been such a good person, wanting to change the world, wanting to make a difference which was why she had gone into medicine and worked to help heal people. And he had cruelly taken advantage of her and used her. Even though he had fallen in love with her in the process, and she with him, the good doctor had fallen in love with Professor DiNardo and not Agent DiNozzo. She had fallen in love with a construct. Someone Tony had designed – sure, based on some of his own characteristics – but DiNardo had been carefully constructed and designed to appeal to Jeanne.

Tony had lied to her.

The Tony she had known was a complete lie.

But the feelings that Tony had for her? That hadn’t been a lie.

And all Tony could think when he looked at Director Shepard as she tried to make things right, without actually apologizing for how she’d taken advantage of him and ruined his chances at happiness with Jeanne were her words during their debrief. 

_You never really thought it could end any other way, did you?_

_You’re not supposed to fall in love with them._

Her words had been both contemptuous and sympathetic. And all of a sudden, Tony needed to get the fuck away from the bitch. Away from being directly under this woman’s thumb. Away from her direct influence. Away from being within line of sight of her. Far away from the lies and the guilt that she was trying to deny. 

Without a word, he turned and left while Director Shepard was mid-sentence, ignoring her when she called his name. He was done listening to her. There was no way he could obey another order from her. He took a moment to stop by his desk to pick up his gun and badge, mumbling to Gibbs, careful not to catch his eye, that he was taking the afternoon off and just getting the hell out of the building before anyone could get a word in.

He went home, drank enough Jack Daniels to risk alcohol poisoning and yet he still couldn’t stop Jeanne’s letter from echoing in his head all night.

~~~~~~~~~~~

_~~Dear Tony,~~ _

_~~Anthony,~~ _

_Agent DiNozzo,_

_After what happened with your car today, you asked me if I loved you. I do. I love you so much. Except now I don’t know whether the Tony I love is even real. I love Tony DiNardo. I have no idea who Anthony DiNozzo is other than the fact that he knows how to handle a gun, lied to me about who he was to make me fall in love with him, and was assigned to pretend to love me because my father is an arms dealer. Which I had not known, so thanks for that little nugget._

_You are someone else. You are not who you said you were, and I can’t believe anything that you or my father have ever said to me. So how can I love you?_

_You said that not everything was a lie, but how would I know? How could I ever trust you again? How would I know if you’re who you said you were when our entire relationship was a lie? I have to ask myself how far you would have gone to entrap my father? Would you have moved in with me? Married me? Fathered my children? What would have been your limit? Fucking me and pretending to love me was fine. How far would you have taken this charade, Tony?_

_Everything was a lie._

_You broke my heart, you broke my trust, and I will never forgive you for this._

_Don’t look for me._

_Jeanne Benoit_

~~~~~~~~~~~

He was too drunk to drive so he took a taxi to work at the wee hours of the morning and he asked the taxi driver to wait while he went and left his letter of resignation on Director Shepard’s desk, doing the round trip back home in short order. He passed out on his bed soon after he got home.

[](https://i.imgur.com/BlvvWu4.jpg)


	2. Chapter One

**Chapter One**

[](https://i.imgur.com/LLc27FE.jpg)

Tony slapped his hand on his alarm clock to stop it from making that obnoxious noise. He turned onto his back with a sigh, lying in his comfortable bed, just reveling in the feel of his high thread count Egyptian cotton sheets on his bare skin. Some things in life were not to be taken for granted. Tony liked the luxury of soft, natural fibers on his bed, especially since he still preferred to sleep in the buff. But it was a workday and Tony had to get out of his warm, luxurious nest and face the day.

He sat up and got out of the bed with a grunt. After he pissed and brushed his teeth, he began stretching and started his work out with push-ups and sit ups, before he put his running shoes on and went for his morning run on the trail right along Lake Michigan. He cleared his mind and focused on running, ignoring the hordes of cadets who were doing their morning PT. He did his usual loop of about five miles, walking about a half mile afterwards as part of his cool down. He stopped at the Starbucks and picked up a latte which he drank on his way home.

After showering and getting dressed, Tony ate a bowl of cheerios over the sink, rinsing the bowl out and putting it and the spoon in the dishwasher. It would be another two days before he would have enough dirty dishes to run the dishwasher, but that didn’t matter. He tied his tie, picked up his suit jacket, keys, badge and gun and left for work.

It was a short walk to the office from his apartment. Well. Technically, it wasn’t an apartment. It was on-base housing. He’d decided not to bother with looking for an apartment or a house or any kind of domicile that he could call home. Sure, he’d let Gibbs talk him into staying with NCIS, but he wasn’t sure how long he might want to stay, especially six weeks ago when he’d tried to quit.

That morning, after he dropped his resignation letter off, he’d been rudely woken up by the sound of someone pounding on his apartment door, and he’d squinted at his clock, wondering who the fuck would be making such a racket. It wasn’t like he was going to work. He’d quit. Hadn’t he? Tony hadn’t been quite awake when he dragged himself out of bed to answer the door. Hell, he’d probably still been more than a little bit drunk at the time. But there Gibbs was, standing with his fist in the air, an envelope gripped in his other hand.

“Boss?” Tony had mumbled.

“Why the fuck aren’t you at work?” Gibbs demanded.

“I quit,” Tony frowned. “The Director should’ve told you.”

“You’re not quitting,” Gibbs had told him grimly.

“Uh, yeah… I am…?” Tony was confused. He had resigned. Hadn’t he? He vaguely remembered the cab ride back and feeling naked as he’d also left his badge and gun in Gibbs’ drawer.

“No, you’re not,” Gibbs’ words were final, and he brushed by Tony, walking into his apartment as if he owned the place.

“I don’t want to work for her anymore,” Tony couldn’t help but sound like a sullen teenager. “I’m sick of whatever the fuck she thinks she’s doing. I don’t want to be dragged down with her.”

Gibbs sighed. “I know,” and the compassion in his voice was almost too much for Tony to bear.

“Then you know why I can’t stay.”

“I won’t be able to protect you if you leave the agency,” Gibbs’ lips were pursed.

“Huh?”

Gibbs sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. “Look, if you leave, she’s gonna pin this whole La Grenouille shitshow on you.”

“What?” That sobered Tony right up. “ _What?_ ”

“I don’t know what the hell is wrong with her,” Gibbs shrugged, “but if you leave NCIS, she’s gonna make you the scapegoat and I won’t be able to protect you.”

“So what? I just have to keep working for someone I can’t even fucking look at?” Tony threw up his hands. “What the hell kind of life is that for me?”

“No. You ask for a transfer,” Gibbs had his serious face on.

“I’d still be NCIS. She’s still the director.”

“I’ll make sure you report to Granger instead of her,” Gibbs told him, his blue eyes steady.

“Granger?”

“Yeah. Assistant Director. Out of LA.”

“I know who Granger is,” Tony snapped.

Gibbs glared at him.

“Why would Granger want to take me on?” Tony frowned, crossing his arms. He felt vulnerable now, standing in his living room in his underwear, talking to Gibbs about how the director of an entire federal agency would have no qualms about making him the scapegoat in an op that had been entirely her own fucking brainchild. “Especially if _Jenny_ ,” he spat out the name, “wants to pin a target on me?”

“It would be a favor to me,” Gibbs said softly.

Tony stared at Gibbs for a long moment before he bit his lip. “Why would _you_ go out on a limb for me?”

Gibbs blew out a long breath. “I put you in danger when I left the team. I left you in a vulnerable position, the whole team, really. She wouldn’t have been able to sink her claws into you if I hadn’t done that,” he shook his head. “She’s not who she was when I knew her. I shouldn’t have trusted her either.”

Tony didn’t know that he had been holding his breath, when it exploded out of him in a relieved sigh. He suddenly felt as if he could breathe again. He felt as if he hadn’t been able to catch his breath ever since Gibbs had been blown up by Pin Pin Pula and lost his memories. Yes, he’d returned from Mexico after a few months, but it hadn’t been the same. Gibbs hadn’t really remembered who Tony was and their long history together. Tony had thought that that Gibbs might have been gone for good. But now, this, this right here, was the Gibbs who had hired him. Who had told him that he didn’t waste good and pointed him in the direction of NCIS’ HR. This was the man to whom Tony had pledged his loyalty years ago, and the man who would never ever leave a man behind.

He didn’t quite know what it was that might have shown on his face, or maybe it was something in his body language, but Gibbs stepped up to him and pulled him into a tight hug and he just crumpled. Tony found himself sobbing into Gibbs’ chest, and his Team Lead just held him, rubbing a soothing hand up and down his back, rumbling softly deep in his chest, as if Tony was someone he cared about. As if Tony was precious to him.

Finally, Tony pulled back, scrubbing at his face, refusing to meet Gibbs’ eyes. The older man cupped his chin gently, making him look up, and waited until Tony’s gaze met his.

“Ask for a transfer,” Gibbs said again. This time it was couched as a request. “You can report to Granger. I need to clean up this mess here, and if you want, you can come back after that. You will always have a place with me. I promise.”

“What are you saying?” Tony frowned.

“Something’s not right with Shepard,” Gibbs pursed his lips. “She’s not who I used to know, in a way that I don’t understand. This goes beyond some misguided personal vendetta.”

“Then I can’t go,” Tony shook his head, trying to suppress his still shuddering breaths. “You’ll need someone to watch your six if you’re going to take on the Director of NCIS.”

Gibbs’ smile was small and proud. “You need a breather, Skippy,” he said, his tone gentle. “I know you have my six. I’ve also been speaking to Morrow. Asking him for help with Shepard. I need a really big stick, and I still have Morrow’s ear.”

“Director Morrow?” Tony’s eyes widened. Morrow had gone to Homeland and Shepard had taken his spot.

Gibbs nodded.

“Does he agree with your assessment?” Tony had to ask.

Gibbs nodded solemnly.

“OK,” Tony sighed. “OK.”

“I need you to stay out of the line of fire for now,” Gibbs told him. “If this goes wrong, I want to be able to keep you safe and if I go down, I’m not taking you down with me.”

“But…”

“No, Tony,” Gibbs’ smile was sad now. “You’ve done your part. It’s time I do mine.”

Tony’s breaths were still hitched and tears leaked out of his eyes, but he nodded. “You’ll tell me when I _can_ do something?”

“I’ll be counting on you to help when I get to that point,” Gibbs nodded. “You’ve been my partner, even when I didn’t remember you. There’s no one better. My loyal Saint Bernard.”

Tony shrugged, trying not to blush.

“Take a week off. I’ll get your transfer in order,” Gibbs told him.

“What will you tell her?” Tony had to ask.

“The truth,” Gibbs’ smile was predatory, and Tony knew that Gibbs was going hunting now. “That you needed a break and I talked you out of quitting and got you to put in for a transfer instead.”

Tony nodded.

“You can tell her that, too, if she asks,” Gibbs said.

Tony nodded.

Which was how Tony had ended up at NAVSTA Great Lakes. The Naval Station was on Lake Michigan in North Chicago. He was leading the main team at NCIS NAVSTA Great Lakes, working in conjunction with the Naval Security Forces that policed the station. There were thousands of Navy recruits that needed to be kept in line.

Tony’s team dealt with the more serious crimes and in the six weeks that he had been stationed there, he and his team had already worked one joint operation with North Chicago PD and the FBI, on a sting operation that took down several of the major drug dealers that lived on the periphery of the base, selling to Navy recruits.

It was important to stop this. Not just because drugs and drug addiction were a scourge to the Navy, but also because it could allow these drug dealers, and perhaps even the drug cartels behind them, a foothold in the Navy. Recruits could be swayed until such time as they had graduated and were in active service. Even after they kicked the habit, these personnel could be compromised once they were in a position of power, blackmailed by their pasts, and the drug cartels could accomplish many things, including establishing a way into the country for drugs and their people using US Navy resources. There were many possible outcomes. Tony’s team worked with local law enforcement to investigate these possibilities and reduce the risk of this kind of compromise. In addition, Tony’s team was called in to all the major crimes – murders, terrorist plots and the like.

In many ways, the work wasn’t all that different from his time in DC. The main difference was that Tony was leading his team. He was a bona fide team lead now, which he hadn’t expected given that Gibbs had arranged for this job for him. It gave him a sense of pride that Gibbs had enough faith in him, still, despite his recent failures, that he thought Tony merited a team lead role. And that he had gone to bat for him, doing all he could to get Tony this transfer and gain AD Granger’s agreement that Tony would be stationed somewhere that naturally reported to him instead of to Shepard.

Tony kept himself busy at work. He was always the first one in and the last one out at night. The work was rewarding and he was good at his job. He’d forgotten for a while, how much he enjoyed law enforcement. This was good, honest work with real outcomes that made a direct impact, a real difference to the vics and the families of the vics. He’d lost track of that in the secret missions and devious machinations that he’d gotten caught up in. It felt good to return to the basics amd working cases. He also liked not being in DC and surrounded by new people. He was learning who his new teammates were, and keeping his nose clean.

Every so often, Gibbs would call and give him a terse update. Once, Gibbs had asked Tony to discreetly look into something for him, and while Tony would usually try to figure out what it was Gibbs was trying to do based on the evidence he had at his disposal, he was just too fucking sick and tired of it all that he chose to blind himself to whatever it was Gibbs was doing. It was what Gibbs had asked him to do, after all, to let him deal with it. So, he dug up what Gibbs asked for and handed it off to him, no questions asked. Gibbs had done all he could to protect him from the fallout of whatever it was he was engineering, Tony had no desire to throw himself back into this line of fire. Not this time.

It was one thing to throw himself into the fray, dodge bullets, or take a bullet to protect someone. It was a whole other thing to sacrifice himself at the altar of Jenny Shepard’s ambitions, whatever the hell they were. He was done with it all. He liked his current job and he liked the people he was working with. Things were simpler here. He liked going into work, doing the work, getting the job done, and then going home. He was still contributing, and he was still passionate about enforcing the law, still protecting and serving. But he wasn’t so keen on giving up control of his life anymore.

There would be no more unsanctioned undercover ops. No more having sex with someone because it was his job to do so. Nothing he had ever done in his life had ever made him feel so cheap and so dirty. Not even compared to that summer between freshman and sophomore year when he lived with a guy fifteen years older than him who paid for his living expenses that summer since his scholarship didn’t cover summers and he didn’t have the energy or the time to hold down a job while doing summer school and attending intensive football practices. All he’d had to do was help keep the house and the yard clean and organized; and have sex with the man whenever he wanted it. He’d been a kept boy then, truly prostituting himself out, but it had at least been honest. He knew that he was having sex with Daniel because Daniel was keeping him housed and fed, and Daniel knew that they were having sex because he was allowing Tony to live with him without paying his own way. Everything was up front and consensual.

Tony had slept with Jeanne because Jenny Shepard had wanted him to do it. He had done it for his job. And he had been lying to Jeanne to get into her bed. She had not known what he was doing to her. She had not consented to that.

He knew that he would never feel clean again.

[](https://i.imgur.com/gIRKfBy.jpg)


	3. Chapter Two

**Chapter Two**

[](https://i.imgur.com/84Xtxr6.jpg)

Despite enjoying his new position at NAVSTA Great Lakes, Tony had been careful to keep himself aloof from his new co-workers. Oh, he was friendly and got along well with them, as well as with the local LEOs. He said and did all the right things and he would bet that not even Gibbs would’ve known that he was keeping a safe distance. Emotionally, that was. But Tony couldn’t help but keep a safe distance from them.

It wasn’t that he pulled a Gibbs and grunted and remained unfriendly. No. He was friendly and appeared open, but in truth he just didn’t allow them to breach his own emotional defenses and get to know him. Not the way he’d let Gibbs, and Abby, Ducky, Kate, and even Ziva in. He’d shown them who he was, and who he had been as a child. He’d told them stories about his childhood that he hadn’t ever told anyone, not even Wendy, and he’d been prepared to marry her. And after experiencing the kind of heartbreak that Jeanne (and Shepard) had dealt him, he had started to look around and see just how unhealthy his relationships were with the people he worked with at NCIS. They were his co-workers and he had mistakenly thought they were his family. They might have been family for a while, but they hadn’t had his back for years and he had been too blind to see it. Hell, he had stuck around and tried to keep Gibbs’ team together after the man had abandoned them all and run off to Mexico. Tony had had to do all the work because McGee and Ziva had refused to cooperate and just fucking do their jobs. And yet Tony had stayed.

He’d allowed himself to get emotionally attached to these people, and he’d allowed himself to be blinded by his loyalty to people who didn’t reciprocate. Look at how Abby had slapped sticker after sticker on him, proclaiming him to be a ‘trainee’ during Gibbs’ extended siesta. And _still_ , Tony had stayed. It was this blind loyalty that had made him vulnerable to Shepard’s machinations. It was this blind loyalty that had caused him all this pain.

Tony had fallen into the same goddamned trap at work that he had at home, growing up with his father. Senior had smacked him around when he felt like it, or when Tony wasn’t pouring the scotch correctly, even though he was under ten years old at the time, and Senior had berated and belittled him from the get-go. Even while his mother had been alive. And Tony had _adored_ him. Loved this man who had done nothing but tear him down. Done everything he could to please him. And like the idiot child that he had been, he’d allowed NCIS to do the same to him.

No more. Tony was done allowing people in who could damage him as much as he’d been damaged. He hadn’t seen his own father in over a decade, and the last time had been in Philly while he was a beat cop, and he and Father had stumbled across each other while Tony was working. Later, Father had knocked on his door and Tony emptied his savings account, giving all he’d worked for for years to his supposed dad. He hadn’t been under any illusion that this ‘sweet investment opportunity’ was going to be anything but that, and he knew that he would never see a penny of the returns nor the principle back. But it had been worth it to pay the man off to get rid of him. And then Tony had decided to take the deep undercover job of infiltrating the Macaluso family, so there was no way Senior would be able to track him down again.

Sometimes he wondered about his motives for taking that op. But it had turned out OK for him. It had been exhilarating to not be Tony DiNozzo for a while, and not have to worry about his own father tracking him down and fleecing him for all that he was worth. What it said about him that he had found comfort in erasing his own identity, he didn’t know, but that peace of mind had been worth it. And he’d taken down the capo, who had been a pretty terrible man. Despite it all though, the capo had been a good father to his children, and a good father figure to Tony, once Tony weaseled his way into his good graces.

Tony shook his head. It was time for him to tear his head out of his ass and stop thinking about the past. Although it was kind of difficult to do since he was having dinner with one of his frat brothers that night, in Chicago proper. Devin, with whom he had shared a room in their frat house for the three school years he’d lived in the Alpha Chi Delta house, had called him and asked him to dinner when he heard that Tony had moved into the area. The AXD old boys’ network was alive and well, and news of Tony’s move had been circulating around the network for weeks. Devin had finally called him and forced a dinner commitment out of him.

That morning, Tony had gotten up extra early and run an extra five miles on top of his usual five, forcing his mind to calm down and try to enjoy the peace of the running path around the lake. Lake Michigan was beautiful. The mornings were chilly and this far north, the leaves would begin to turn color before too long. He found himself looking forward to running in the fall in such a beautiful area. Not that DC didn’t have its own charms, but something about the bleak emptiness of the lake beyond the horizon called to him. Work had been fine, and Tony had even had time to go home and shower before taking the L downtown.

He was early for his appointment, but Devin was already at the restaurant, sitting at the bar with a drink. He smiled and enveloped Tony into a hug, stepping back to admire Tony. They were both in suits, both of them wearing open collared shirts with no tie. They looked good.

“Tony DiNozzo,” Devin smiled at him, shaking his head. “All grown up.”

“Yeah,” Tony shrugged, grinning back.

Devin wasn’t one of the guys who tended to take time off and go on cruises with them, or relive their spring break exploits, no matter that they were older and wiser now, so Tony hadn’t seen him in a while. Devin had married his college sweetheart, moving to Chicago to attend business school at Northwestern, and he’d settled in to his job as some kind of financial wizard and not participated in the shenanigans that Tony and some of their other frat brothers had indulged in over the years.

“We all thought you were settled in DC,” Devin said, when they were seated at their table and checking out the wine list.

“Things changed,” Tony deflected.

Devin looked up and gave Tony a piercing look. “You OK?”

Tony pursed his lips and shrugged. “As I ever am,” he replied.

Devin’s brown eyes were concerned, but he nodded and turned his attention back to the wine list.

“How’s Sarah?” Tony asked.

Devin pointed out the ring finger of his left hand, now devoid of a wedding ring.

“ _No!_ ” Tony frowned. “Not you and Sarah?” They had been the most stable couple Tony had ever known. Ever.

Devin sighed and smiled sadly. “Things changed with us, too, I guess,” he used the same words Tony had.

“I’m sorry, dude,” Tony shook his head. “And I’m sorry I didn’t know. No one told me.”

“I haven’t exactly been too open about it,” Devin waved away his concern.

Tony noticed the lack of tan line around where the ring should have been. Devin had not been wearing his ring for a while now. Certainly not this summer, or there would have been a tan line.

“Want to talk about it?” Tony offered.

“Nah,” Devin shook his head. “I feel like all I’ve done in the past few years is talk about it. We went through marriage counseling, therapy, all kinds of things, and it still ended up in divorce.”

“And the kids?” Tony had to ask. Devin had two girls and Tony had forgotten their age, but divorce was never easy on anyone, especially if kids were involved.

“They’re good,” Devin’s smile was real now. “Sarah and I are doing our best to ensure that they know that they’re loved and that our marriage ending doesn’t mean that we love them any less, or that they did anything wrong.”

Tony had nothing to say about that. He was awful with kids, but it sounded like Devin and Sarah were good parents.

The waiter interrupted their conversation and they ordered wine and food. They chatted idly while digging into the bread that had been brought to their table. When their food arrived, and they began to eat, the conversation turned more serious.

“So, what brought you out to Chicago?” Devin asked.

“A promotion,” Tony shrugged.

“You don’t seem happy about it.”

Tony sighed. “I guess I just don’t know what the hell I’m doing anymore,” he finally said it out loud. “Why I’m still doing this. If I’m making any kind of difference.”

“I’ve heard nothing but good things about you,” Devin frowned. “I know some people on the North Chicago PD.”

Tony shrugged.

Devin watched him in silence for a moment while they ate. “What happened?” he asked bluntly. “The last time I saw you, you were psyched to join Peoria PD. There was fire in your eyes. You said you found your calling.”

Tony made a face. He couldn’t really remember that part of himself anymore. He couldn’t muster up the energy to be so enthusiastic about his own life.

“If you’re not happy at NCIS, then leave,” Devin said, all reasonable and shit. “Wouldn’t be the first time you moved on from someplace that wasn’t giving you what you need.”

“I can’t,” Tony pursed his lips.

“Are you in some kind of trouble?” Devin had always been intuitive.

Tony nodded. “Kind of, I guess,” he started moving the food around his plate with his fork. “I can’t talk about it, classified bullshit, but if I leave NCIS right now, things that weren’t my fault will be blamed on me.”

Devin frowned. “And this boss of yours that everyone said you worshipped? He can’t help you?”

“This is how he’s helping,” Tony shrugged. “He sent me away from DC so this person who’s out to get me can’t get to me.”

Devin sighed.

“I tried to quit,” Tony shrugged. “But Gibbs was right. If I did, she’d have carte blanche to shit all over me and Gibbs wouldn’t be able to protect me. But this way, I’m still employed, still not framed for yet another thing I didn’t do, and I don’t have to see the stupid bitch and have her rub her own failures in my face on a daily basis.”

Devin reached across the table and put a gentle hand on Tony’s. “I’m sorry, Tony,” he said simply. “You don’t deserve this crap.”

“Eh,” Tony scoffed. “How would you know? Maybe I’m just an asshole dick who deserves every single bad thing that happens to him.”

“Never,” Devin rolled his eyes. “You’re just the guy who always had time to help any of us if we needed it, even if we didn’t know we needed it. You’re only an asshole dick when you’re trying to make a point.”

Tony’s heart sank. He had been worse than an asshole to Jeanne. He should have said no when Shepard wanted him to sleep with the woman. She didn’t deserve to be treated that way, no matter who her father was.

“Whatever it is you’re blaming yourself for, I’d put money that it wasn’t your fault,” Devin’s words pierced his veil of self-blame.

Tony gave him a small smile.

“And sounds like this Gibbs guy agrees.”

“Yet I’ve been exiled,” Tony murmured softly.

Devin shrugged. “Sometimes distance is the best thing for you.”

“Maybe.” Tony made a concerted effort to cheer up and changed the subject.

The rest of the evening was a lot more cheerful, and Tony was reminded of what a good person Devin was. He distracted Tony with funny stories about his kids and poked fun at his own divorce, even though Tony could tell that it wasn’t at all funny to him. But Tony and he had once known each other well. They had shared a room, shared their lives for three years. Not that Devin was anything but straight, but Devin had been the one to cover for Tony when he snuck in after a date with a guy. Devin had been the only guy who knew that his sexuality wasn’t as straightforward or straight as he pretended for it to be. It hadn’t been the kind of thing a guy on the football team at any Big Ten school bragged about at the time. So, he had guarded that secret as well as he could, and Devin had been the one to support him through all that madness. Devin had known about Daniel, and he hadn’t ever judged Tony for being the man’s sugar baby for a summer.

Devin was speaking about how he’d ended up losing the house in Chicago to Sarah in the divorce, and that he lived in an apartment now and he and Sarah had joint custody of the kids. The girls lived with him for two weeks, and Sarah for two weeks, switching parents every two weeks. Devin lived close to his old house, so the kids could continue to go to their school without any issues. And so far, it seemed to be working out for them.

But Devin had gotten their lake house in the settlement, so that was nice. He’d spent some weekends up there with the girls this summer, but now that Labor Day was over and the kids were back in school, it would be harder for him to get away with them to the lake house. Devin’s own work also kept him busy. He figured that he would probably close up the lake house early this year.

“You don’t go up there in the winter?” Tony asked.

“It can get really cold up there,” Devin shrugged. “Every year I think I should move someplace warm, but Sarah and the girls love it here in Chicago and I could never leave them like that.”

There didn’t seem to be animosity between Devin and Sarah, none that Tony observed. It was interesting.

“What happened, really, with Sarah?” Tony asked again. By this time, they were sitting in a dark barroom enjoying a post-dinner drink together, not wanting the evening to end.

“Nothing, really,” Devin shook his head. “One day, we woke up and realized that after all these years, we just weren’t in love with each other anymore.”

“You still have a good relationship with her.”

“I do now,” Devin smiled sadly. “It was a shock for both of us, since we’d been together for so long. I love her and I’ll always love her. But I’m just not in love with her. And she’s not in love with me. Not anymore.”

“Fuck,” Tony shook his head.

“She’s still my best friend and I couldn’t live without her.”

“But…”

“But she felt like a sister to me, instead of a wife,” Devin made a face. “We tried counseling, tried to rekindle the romance. But as it turns out, we’re better off as best friends.”

“That both sucks and doesn’t suck.”

“I know, right?” Devin grinned. “But it does help to make parenting together that much easier. We’re still who we are. We haven’t changed, not really.”

“Seems like you could have just stayed married,” Tony offered.

“We actually discussed that option, strangely enough.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah, it seemed like a hassle to go through a formal divorce if we were fine continuing to live together.”

“What happened to change that?”

“Sarah wanted to know if the kids would be able to handle us having an open marriage,” he shrugged. “I mean, just because we didn’t seem to be sexually attracted to each other anymore, didn’t mean that we couldn’t be sexually attracted to someone else. We were fine with the concept of an open marriage. But it seemed like TMI to have to explain that to our kids, you know?”

Tony had to laugh at that. “I can’t even imagine.”

“Yeah, so we went through with the divorce.”

Tony wanted to tell Devin about Jeanne and how losing her had hurt, and how she had fallen in love with a lie. Not a complete lie, and maybe not even that much of a lie. But untruthful enough that the person she had fallen in love with was only one side of Tony. She never got the chance to get to know the rest of him. Tony wanted to tell Devin how much he hated himself for that. How he’d betrayed Jeanne. How he had fallen in love with her, too. But it was classified. And he didn’t really know how to put any of it in words.

It stung less now, though. He had fallen in love with her, but he had also known that he was lying to her the entire time. Even though he had hoped that somehow, they could come out of the mess together, stronger than ever, he knew that expecting Jeanne to forgive him would be too much. He’d fucked that up and he was trying to put it behind him. And being away from DC really was helping him work through all of these things.

“It helped that I moved out and Sarah got the house,” Devin was saying.

“How so?”

“Well, it’s easier to accept the change when it’s as tangible as moving out and getting a new place. My own place that doesn’t have Sarah or her fingerprints in it,” Devin shrugged. “Plus, I got the lake house and I won’t lie, I ran away to it a lot to think through things. It was a friendly divorce, sure, but it was still a divorce. I had to sit through all these discussions of how to split our things up, split our _lives_ apart. I needed somewhere to go that gave me peace and quiet, a place where I would have enough good memories of Sarah and the kids and us being together, without having to be confronted with not sharing my life with Sarah anymore. Besides, the lake house belonged to my uncle and he left it to me, so I had memories of going up to that house from when I was a kid. It was _my_ house. My place.”

“This the uncle who you used to summer with while your parents were going through tough times?” Tony remembered this tidbit.

“Yeah,” Devin smiled. “Yeah.”

“I remember you talking about this house.”

“It was always my sanctuary.”

Tony might have lost his sanctuary, his apartment in DC, but he was glad that Devin lived in Chicago and he was glad that he had forced himself to accept his invitation to dinner. They agreed to meet again in a couple of weeks, and Tony started looking forward to hanging out with his old friend.

It was a few weeks later at one of their dinners out that Devin laid a key on the table and pushed it towards Tony.

“What’s this?” Tony grinned. “I didn’t know you swung my way, hot stuff.” He winked, automatically flirting with Devin, even though he hadn’t seriously flirted with anyone since he had to confess to Jeanne who he was and what he had been ordered to do. Her letter to him, the intense shame that he himself felt, and not to mention, the fact that he had actually loved her, had put a damper on his usually shamelessly flirtatious self.

Devin rolled his eyes. “It’s a key to the lake house,” he said simply. “I decided not to close it for the winter. I think you could use some time away from the city.”

“I’m the epitome of a city boy,” Tony scoffed.

“It’ll do you good.”

“But it’s _your_ sanctuary.”

“You’re my brother, Tony,” Devin smiled. “I’d share my sanctuary with you.” Devin handed him a piece of paper with the address of the house. “Use it. Don’t use it. It’s up to you. Work is going to be crazy busy for me up until after the new year, so I figure someone should benefit from us having a lake house.”

And despite his misgivings, Tony had taken the key and slipped it and the paper with the address in his pocket.

[](https://i.imgur.com/gIRKfBy.jpg)


	4. Chapter Three

**Chapter Three**

[](https://i.imgur.com/xfJA482.jpg)

Tony had not planned on ever actually using the key or driving out of the city to Devin’s lake house, but it had been a particularly grueling couple of weeks of work. They had just solved a difficult case, working in conjunction with the FBI and local PDs because young women were being stalked, bound, raped and then decapitated by what looked to be a serial killer. Two of them had been US Navy, one a Lieutenant, and another a Petty Officer, and they were the most recent victims. But all told, there had been nine women killed in the Greater Chicago area.

What had made it especially difficult for Tony was the fact that the killer apparently had a type. All of the victims were beautiful and fit the general description of being Caucasian, moderately tall, brown haired, light colored eyes. They all bore a striking resemblance to Jeanne. It was a stab to Tony’s heart every time he saw their pictures, all of them seemed to be looking right into him, confronting him with his failure to keep them, and Jeanne, safe. All of them accusing him of betraying them.

It didn’t help that when they got read in to the FBI case, and started working with the Chicago Field Office to solve these cases, he learned that all the women seemed to have a similar personality to Jeanne. They had all been women who worked in a professional capacity, all of them were confident in their personal and professional lives, and all of them were obviously moving towards a successful future in their chosen careers. Just like Jeanne had been.

And yes, of course Tony knew that these women were not Jeanne. Jeanne was not dead. He was the one that was quite probably dead to her. But even though none of these women were Jeanne, it didn’t change the fact that he had failed her, he had lied to her and betrayed her trust, and he had caused her an unbelievable amount of grief and pain, none of which she had deserved. And these poor women who looked so much like her and seemed to have similar personalities to her, based on interviews with their friends and loved ones, they had been cruelly betrayed as well. It made Tony work that much harder to try to catch the killer.

Tony had been the one to find the commonality in all of the vics that gave them a concrete clue to finding and identifying the unsub. All of the women had led busy lives and didn’t spend a whole lot of time in the kitchen. They tended to order food for delivery. And sure, when the FBI had gone through the evidence of the first seven victims, they had ruled out that fact because the women had ordered from different restaurants, different types of food, and different frequencies. It wasn’t as if they could tie it all back to one restaurant in common. But the fact that the NAVSTA Great Lakes had security and delivery people were only allowed on base if they had the proper authorization. So, most people tended to order from a specific food delivery service that picked up from a variety of restaurants and had delivery people who had been cleared to deliver food to most of the buildings on the base. It turned out that the other victims had also occasionally used the same delivery service and going through their personnel list gave them the only person who was a viable suspect that connected a majority of the vics together.

It hadn’t taken them long to confirm their suspicions and make an arrest. And Tony had helped in the interrogation of the suspect, gaining his confidence and a confession, complete with all the appropriately gory details about each kill.

It had taken everything in Tony to befriend the suspect, be the good cop in interrogation. To gain the man’s trust. To get him to confess.

It disgusted Tony. No, the guy didn’t disgust Tony, because he was obviously a psychopath. He was who he was. It disgusted Tony what he could contort himself into being. What kind of man would be able to befriend a psychopathic serial killer with at least nine kills under his belt? What kind of man would be able to get into the mind of this psychopath and earn his trust? What kind of man was able to, in such a short time, become such good friends with a psychopath that he was willing to share with him the perverse pleasure he’d gotten, committing the atrocities that he had? And what kind of man would ‘follow orders’ to sleep with an innocent woman to try to entrap her father?

These were thoughts that did not allow Tony to sleep at night. And of course, the FBI, his own team, the local PDs they were all so pleased that they had found the guy and that Tony had done his work so well that the case was open and shut. There was no doubt that they had caught the right guy. None at all. They congratulated Tony, patted him on his back, bought him drinks. It even included a call from Assistant Director Owen Granger, congratulating him for his valuable work to apprehend such a heinous murderer, and for the good things he heard about cooperation between NCIS and local PD as well as the FBI. They had lauded him for this. And the entire time, Tony wanted to throw up. He was nauseated by his own behavior, his adaptability. That he could hide who he was so well and empathize with anyone, even a sociopath, that he could earn their trust. What chance did Jeanne, someone who had never come across someone like him before, what chance did she have against his pursuit of her?

Was that who he was? Was Tony the guy who could be whoever they needed him to be at any point in time? Was Tony so flexible in his own sense of self that he could pretend to be someone else so convincingly? Was there even a real Tony DiNozzo left inside him?

It was all too much for him. After that case was closed and they had gotten all the appropriate paperwork for it filed, Tony took a Friday and a Monday off to have a long weekend where his original plan had been to just lay low in his quarters on base, drink a bunch and maybe drunk dial Jeanne’s old phone number to listen to her outgoing voicemail message for the millionth time. But he woke up early on Friday morning, so used to getting up early and going for a run that even when he was trying to sleep in, he could not, he found himself unable to face the day just sitting in his stupid quarters where he didn’t even have a good view of anything out of the tiny little windows.

His gaze fell on the key that Devin had given him, that he had placed on top of the paper with the address, on his kitchen counter, when he’d gotten back that night. He’d just left it there and put it out of his head. But now, it gave him ideas. It was a sanctuary. Devin had said he should use it. That no one would be there until after the new year.

It didn’t take long before Tony had his go-bag in the car and the address programmed into his GPS and he was on the road and clear of the city before the morning traffic got bad. It took him only about an hour and a half to get to Racine, and that included the half an hour stop he took to have breakfast at a diner, the kind that Gibbs was so incredibly fond off. When he got to Racine, he stopped to pick up some groceries and yes, some booze, before heading to Devin’s house. And when he got there, he understood why Devin had called it his sanctuary.

The house was nestled into the woods such that you couldn’t see it from the street. There were other turnoffs from the street, leading deep into the trees, their leaves now turning gold, amber and red in the fall. None of the houses were visible from the street, which gave the area a veneer of privacy.

Tony parked the car, carried his go-bag and groceries in, and the house was perfect. It was cozy and gave the feeling of being rustic, although it had all the amenities that a city boy like himself would describe to be necessities. He put away the groceries and threw his go-bag on the king sized bed in the master bedroom. He walked through the house to familiarize himself with it, and what a house it was. The entire back wall of the house was made of glass and Tony could see the lake out there, a dock going out into the lake, and nothing else. All kinds of birds – ducks, geese, even seagulls of some sort – flew through the air or swam leisurely past. The view was spectacular.

Tony found himself standing way out on the dock, just staring into the horizon, hearing nothing but the calls of birds and insects. It was a place that he could see Gibbs loving. And it was a place that he could see Jeanne hating. She had been just as much of a city person as he was. That had been something they had had in common. And knowing that this place would not have been somewhere she would have enjoyed, that made it a place that Tony could embrace.

He dragged one of the reclinable beach chaises that he found in the shed in the back yard out onto the dock and spent the rest of the day sitting there, reclined, taking in the blue skies, enjoying the mild warmth of the chilly fall day, just not thinking about anything at all. He’d left his phone in the house and all he had was a six-pack of his favorite microbrew sitting next to him. It was a cold enough day that he didn’t even need to bring a cooler out with him.

When darkness fell, Tony put the empties in the carton and brought it back to the house. He realized that he hadn’t eaten anything since his breakfast stop at that diner in the morning, so he cooked a proper meal for himself for the first time in a really long time. He made himself meatloaf and threw together a quick pasta and steamed vegetables, and he sat down at the table in front of the window and ate, watching the full moon rise over the lake.

Afterwards, he put the leftovers away and filled the dishwasher almost halfway with the pots and pans that he had used as well as the dishes he had dirtied in preparing and eating his meal. It was quite the difference from the one bowl in the morning and one dish in the evening, for the most part, that it took forever to fill the dishwasher at his on-base quarters in NAVSTA.

Despite being exhausted, and despite it being cold out, Tony didn’t feel like going to sleep yet, so he bundled up and brought the bottle of Jack Daniels that he’d bought back out to the beach chaise that he’d left on the dock. He settled in again, enjoying the night time sounds of the wilderness surrounding him, occasionally taking a swig of the bottle and just gazing at the moon. He also looked at its reflection, slightly distorted in the calm waters of Lake Michigan.

His life was stupidly complicated but being out here where all he did was sit and listen to the sounds of the birds and the insects, and the soft lap-lap-lapping of the water against the dock, it was a balm to his soul. This was exactly what he needed. And if he shed a tear or two into his Jack, then nobody was there to witness it but the lake and the moon.

When he finally shuffled back into the house, he was frozen almost stiff. He took a quick shower, made the bed, and fell into it. But like the dumbass that he was, he had forgotten to turn the central heater on earlier in the day and so the house was pretty damned chilly. It wasn’t practical to sleep in the buff the way he preferred to sleep. He was getting pretty cold, and he was too tired to go all the way downstairs to find the central heating thermostat to turn it on. So he forced himself out of bed and looked through the chest of drawers. If he remembered how Devin used to organize his clothes in the dorms, they would be in the second drawer from the top. And… yes! They still were. Good to know that a) Devin still slept in pajamas, and b) he still kept them in the second drawer from the top like he used to when they shared a room in college.

He grabbed the top pair of pajamas – thick blue material, with white piping. It kind of reminded him of the pajamas he’d worn during the whole pneumonic plague thing. And luckily for him, he was too drunk and too weary to freak out about that right now. He pulled the clothes on, buttoning the shirt all the way up to the top, put on his thickest socks, burrowed in under the blankets and was dead to the world almost as soon as his body warmed up a little bit with all the layers he was using to protect himself from the cold.

For the first time in a long time, Tony slept through the night without nightmares or disquieting dreams to disturb his slumber, waking later than he normally did and feeling somewhat refreshed. And that morning, he was again, thankful for the pajamas when he awoke to a rather cold house. The view was still spectacular, the water of the lake outside the windows so still it almost looked like a mirror, but the house was itself freezing. He went downstairs and turned up the heat and made himself a breakfast of eggs and bacon and toast. Hot coffee helped warm him up.

Afterwards, he built a fire in the large stone hearth in the living room, and he sat and relaxed in the house, one eye on the college football playing on TV and reading a mystery novel from Devin’s bookshelf. He stayed in the pajamas all day, and although he didn’t go outside and sit on the dock like he had the previous day, he sat by the window and gazed out into the lake for a lot of the day. He ate leftovers for lunch and dinner, and when it got dark, again, he bundled up and went out on the dock, this time with a bottle of scotch. The expensive kind. And this time, he made sure that the heat was on so he wouldn’t be going to bed into a freezing house.

He didn’t even know what time it was when he finally dragged himself back into the house. The moon had been bright and full again, and Tony felt soothed by the calm of the lake and the moon. Even the sounds of the nocturnal critters was becoming soothing. He’d always thought that he wouldn’t be able to find peace somewhere where he couldn’t hear the sounds of the city – vehicles vrooming down the street, horns honking, the beep beep beep of trucks backing up, the faint sounds of car alarms in the distance. But he was finding that he was wrong. He was at peace here, and other than the light from Devin’s house and the moon shining down on him, he could see no other source of light and stars were incredibly bright in the sky. It reminded him of the time that his father had sent him to the wilds of Vermont for a survivalist summer camp when he was a child, where all the nine-year-olds were expected to survive a week in the forest with nothing but a flashlight and a hunting knife. Tony had survived, but he had come out of it with a deep hatred for the wilderness and he refused to eat game meat of any kind. It was probably when he decided that he was happy being a city boy.

But here in Racine, where it was calm and he wasn’t going to have to kill a squirrel so he wouldn’t starve, things were much different. He loved the night sky, open like a canvas of stars so bright that even he could pick out several constellations that he half remembered from old college astronomy classes. He’d taken the class so he would be able to recognize the constellations and impress girls with that, and it would have come in handy had he lived anywhere that wasn’t a city with the kind of light pollution levels that prohibited the clear view of the stars on any of the dates that he had been on.

He spent the rest of the weekend sitting out on the dock and just inhaling the serenity of his surroundings. On the final day, he sat on the dock while he laundered the sheets and Devin’s pajamas, which he had practically lived in all weekend. And when things were ship shape and everything cleaned up and put away, the fireplace swept and a fire laid out for the next visitor, Tony took one final look at the view, turned everything off and made sure to lock the door before he went out to his car.

Tony plugged his cell phone into the car charger, realizing that it was out of power and he hadn’t even looked at his phone all weekend. When it booted up, there was one message and it was from his Senior Field Agent, telling him to have a good long weekend off. He had to smile at her earnestness. She reminded him a little of McGee, back in the beginning when McGee was young and new and so fucking earnest and hardworking. But his SFA was in no way naïve or inexperienced. She was just a genuinely nice person. The drive back to NAVSTA Great Lakes felt like it took hours, but Tony knew that that was just his own imagination, projecting how much he had enjoyed his stay and didn’t want it to end.

[](https://i.imgur.com/gIRKfBy.jpg)


	5. Epilogue

**Epilogue**

[](https://i.imgur.com/Rnvz6HX.jpg)

Over the next few months, Tony drove up to the cabin as often as he could. Devin paid someone to keep the driveway shoveled so even in the deep of winter, Tony could get to the house with little to no trouble. He had loved the view when the trees were turning color, and he loved it even more when the trees were bare and the boughs weighed down with snow and ice.

He told Devin how thankful he was that Devin had given him the key, and Devin, the good friend that he was, told him to keep it for as long as he needed it. And that if he ever brought someone to the cabin for a sex-filled weekend, to make sure that he cleaned up after himself because Devin didn’t need to see the remnants of debauchery at the place.

Tony had to laugh at that. He had not had sex with anyone other than his own right hand in months. Nothing since Jeanne. And not much desire for it, either. It was strange and almost puritanical, because he went up to the lake house, lived in the pajamas that he found in Devin’s drawer, cooked and fed himself somewhat healthy food, and just sat and watched the lake and the sky. He’d seen the moon in various phases over that lake.

He couldn’t imagine bringing anyone to the house. It had become a sanctuary for him, as well. And he couldn’t be more grateful to Devin for finding him a place where he could sit and think and learn who he was again. More importantly, it was a time for him to decide who he wanted to be.

He was slowly beginning to feel like himself again. One day, while he was sitting at a bar nursing a drink, waiting for Devin to arrive for their dinner date, an attractive guy approached him and bought him a drink, and Tony actually felt a jolt of desire when he took in the chocolate brown eyes, and the warm burnished glow of the man’s dark skin.

It had been a really long time since he’d felt a sincere and guilt-free stab of arousal. He smiled and made small talk with the guy until Devin arrived, and he left with a napkin with the guy’s phone number on it tucked into his jacket pocket.

The next weekend, Tony called the guy – John – and they went out for drinks, which led to dinner, and then Tony went home with him for the night. It was a satisfying date, and Tony agreed to go out with him a few more times after that.

It was a new beginning, and maybe John was or wasn’t going to be his life partner, but he didn’t really feel like starting his old habits of bed-hopping either. What he enjoyed the most about being with John wasn’t that he was a fun guy, smart and witty, even though John was all of those things. It wasn’t that John treated him kindly and was interested in who he was a person, and yes, he was those things as well. It wasn’t even that John fucked him every way to Sunday and satisfied Tony sexually in a way that he couldn’t really remember being in a long, long time. It was the fact that everything was so open and honest with John.

John knew his real name, knew what he did for a living, and knew that Tony had recently gone through a really bad breakup that had been entirely his own fault and that Tony had been the one to cause his girlfriend the kind of heartbreak that she didn’t deserve. In return, he knew John’s name, what John did for a living, what he liked to do in his spare time, and all kinds of little things about John that ultimately did not matter in the long run. But he knew these not because he had been ordered to get to know the man or read it in the dossier that had been prepared about him, it wasn’t that he had a duty to befriend him. He enjoyed John because being with him was easy. He didn’t have to hide who he was and John seemed to be an open book. They got to the point where Tony even introduced John to Devin and Devin actually liked the guy.

Things were starting to go well all around. His team at NAVSTA even knew that he was seeing a guy, and the thing was, since he was not just the team lead, but he was also the oldest member of the team, the younger teammates didn’t seem to give two shits who he slept with or whether he liked dick or pussy or both. It was refreshing. It felt to him, like a load had been lifted off his shoulders.

And the following spring, when Gibbs called to let him know that Director Shepard was stepping down immediately from her position due to a brain tumor that was causing her to behave erratically, Tony knew he could finally breathe again. AD Leon Vance would be taking her place. And when Gibbs asked him to come back to DC, to re-join Gibbs’ team as his Senior Field Agent again, Tony couldn’t help but look around his little office in NAVSTA, seeing his two teammates joking with each other as they completed the paperwork from a case they had just closed, and he thought about John, who had been hinting that Tony should move out of his quarters on base and move in with him instead, and he thought about his dinners out with Devin, someone who had once been like a brother to him and in recent months had become a brother to him once again. And most of all, he couldn’t bear to give up the short drive up to Racine, surrounding himself with the peace of Devin’s lake house, and going back to the chaotic craziness that had been his life in DC, so without an ounce of regret, he declined Gibbs’ offer of returning to DC and being Gibbs’ Senior Field Agent again.

As it turned out, he was a great team lead, he loved his new team here in NAVSTA, and he loved the life that he had built out of the shambles that Shepard had made of his life in DC. But what he had also come to understand was that he had allowed NCIS and especially Gibbs to take over his entire existence, back then. He had handed control of not just his life, but also his id, his entire sense of self, over to them and look how it kept turning out. He didn’t want that again. He now had a great relationship with AD Granger, one based on mutual respect and one based on the merits of Tony’s work and not just Gibbs’ word. Granger had even talked about promoting him and moving him out to LA, since his undercover experience would come in handy with the folks out there.

But Tony had had enough of being someone else for a while. He didn’t really want to pretend to be someone else for a long time, even though he knew that he enjoyed going undercover and was good at it. He was finally happy in his own skin again, and in a good place. He had friends, he had co-workers he was happy to work with and got along well with. His relationship with his new team was fun and filled with banter without the kind of almost-spiteful back and forths that he always seemed to have with Ziva, McGee, and even Abby. Yes, he missed his friends in DC, but he liked the quiet life that he had made for himself in Chicago. He even had a boyfriend, which he would have never dared to attempt while living under Gibbs’ and everyone else’s judgmental noses in DC.

For the time being, he was happy to remain the NCIS Team Lead in NAVSTA Great Lakes and enjoy the life that he had worked hard to put together. He wanted to enjoy the person that he was now that he had painstakingly rebuilt himself after the events of La Grenouille. His car hadn’t been the only thing that had blown up that day.

For the first time in years, he felt like he was moving towards real happiness. Not something that he cobbled together based on lies and half truths, and not having to jockey for position to ensure that he continued to be Gibbs’ Senior Field Agent. It was a truly half-assed way of managing a team, Tony thought. The teamwork and cooperation that his new team now had, without the kind of ridiculous posturing and the lengths to which they went trying to gain Gibbs’ attention and favor, made for a much more efficient team, not to mention a much more pleasant working environment. Tony was being selfish. Yes, he knew that he would continue to do good work in DC under Gibbs, but that was saying that the work he was doing here in NAVSTA was less important somehow. They might not be the prestigious MCRT out of the Navy Yard, but they were making a name for themselves, protecting and serving this little community of theirs.

Tony didn’t want to give all this up to return to a life that wasn’t making him happy anymore. He was too old for that shit.

Maybe it was time to think about selling his place in DC, or at least subletting it and moving all his things out to Chicago. He’d missed his mother’s piano something fierce for all these months. He would need a place big enough to house his mother’s piano. And whether or not he was ready to move in with John, he was definitely ready to move out of the on-base quarters and establish a more permanent home, a new sanctuary here in Chicago. Maybe if things continued to go well with John, he might be ready to move in with him in a year or so. Who knew what the future might bring him if he stayed.

So, when Gibbs asked him to come back to DC and resume his position and his life, he thanked his old boss for ensuring that he didn’t take the heat for an unstable and mentally ill Director Shepard, but he turned down the offer. For once, he was going to choose something that made him happy. He was going to choose himself. These days, it was a luxury, and it wasn’t one that he wanted to give up just yet.

THE END

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the end of the story. The next chapter contains the Character Board and banner that my amazing artist made for me! Also the end notes will be in the next chapter. 😉


	6. End Credits

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is not a continuation of the story, but just a small chapter featuring the Character Board that my artist, SpencnerTibbsLuvr made for me. The story ends in the previous chapter.

**End Credits**

My fabulous artist, SpencnerTibbsLuvr made such gorgeous artwork that inspired this story, and then went on to make the chapter headers, a copy of Jeanne’s letter and a Character Board! Thank you so much! I loved all of it!

We cast Edward Norton as Devin and Djimon Hounsou as John.

[](https://i.imgur.com/lHeioys.jpg)

[](https://i.imgur.com/gIRKfBy.jpg)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That's it! Hope you enjoyed it.
> 
> This story is the first of my two [Every Fandom Reverse Bang](https://everyfandombangs.wordpress.com/reverse-bang/) stories for this year and was inspired by the gorgeous artwork made by [SpencnerTibbsLuvr](https://archiveofourown.org/users/KliqzAngel/pseuds/SpencnerTibbsLuvr). Then she made all this additional artwork for the story. Man, I cannot thank you enough! Thank you so much! Check out her [artwork post here](https://angelicinsanity.com/2021/01/16/art-for-these-days-by-jane_x80/).
> 
> The music I listened to was [These Days](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6kk7vCHvof4) by Jackson Browne, the title of the story also comes from this song.
> 
> NAVSTA Great Lakes is real, check out the [Wiki](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Naval_Station_Great_Lakes) for it. I based the story in Chicago because the artwork contains Chicago's Gold Coast which meant I could take Tony away from DC.
> 
> I took inspiration from the dreamy quality of the artwork prompt and the dreamy quality of the Keanu Reeves and Sandra Bullock movie [The Lake House](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Lake_House_\(film\)) and wrote this quiet, introspective, maybe even a little bit dream-like story.
> 
> I would also like to thank my lovely friend [Red_Pink_Dots](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Red_Pink_Dots/pseuds/Red_Pink_Dots) who helped to brainstorm different ideas for this story and is a huge source of support, encouragement and comfort, not just in my writing life but in my normal life. I couldn't ask for a better friend. Je t'aime, ma tres chere amie. ❤️❤️❤️
> 
> Hope you all enjoyed the story! See you in twelve days when I post my second EFRB story! ❤️❤️  
> -j  
> xoxo


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